Hello World! This is where I will share my healing journey with you!
2 years ago I weighed 280lbs. Depressed, unhealthy, and in a bad place, I became fed up with how my life was at that time and how unhappy I was. So I decided to set a goal to lose a significant amount of weight in order to obtain better physical and emotional health. I was determined to accomplish this goal no matter what! In the back of my mind I knew that when this goal was met all my problems wouldn’t go away, but that this would be the first of many steps on this journey. The introduction, if you will, to the next chapter of my life.
I was sick of missing out on life because I was too big, or even” not good enough”. I was ashamed of myself and not willing to live that way anymore! So using tips, tools, and knowledge that I had picked up from my many other attempts at weight loss. Along with the guidance and support from my and personal trainer I broke my long term goal down into monthly, weekly, and even daily goals. Before I knew it I started getting closer and closer to my main goal. Until all of a sudden I could see the light at the end of this tunnel!
There were days that I felt hopeless and thought it might be impossible. But I just kept at it. For the first time in my life I didn’t let my self-judgment, and the judgment of others get in my way. I focused, worked hard, and no matter what was thought or said by anyone including myself, I just kept going. And, today – over 140lbs later there are some minor tweaks to be made but I have accomplished that goal.
I couldn’t believe it when the day came where I realized that I DID IT! I have never been proud of myself for anything ever, but in reaching this goal I have changed that! And now I know that anything is possible
I wasn’t going to include this part of my healing journey on this blog. But, then I realized how important my weight loss is to the rest of my journey. It was working towards this goal that has started me on the path of discovering and loving my true self.
My heart is filled with the most indescribable passion for life, love, and gratitude that I have ever experienced! And, it is my hope to share this feeling with the world. To show you that you can achieve your dreams too however impossible they may be.
4/15/2012 I don’t HAVE to be Perfect!
For as long as I can remember I have had a difficult time making and committing to a decision. Whether it be a major life altering decision concerning finances, jobs, relationships, or simply whether to go left instead of right, take the dog on a walk or leave him at home.
In fact, just the other day I spent way too much time arguing with myself over whether or not I should bring my dog to the park for a walk, or go alone for a jog. Until, finally I became fed up! I grabbed his leash and off we went. That decision in itself was a little freeing I have to say. And, it was a great decision because we ended up having a wonderful time!
Walking around the park, and soaking in the gorgeous day, I was really enjoying myself. As well as the company of my four-legged companion, I couldn’t help but stop and wonder why I had to argue with myself for so long before I finally left my house. After sitting with that feeling of anxiety and really paying attention to why it is there, it came down to my belief that I have to be perfect or right all the time. I must make the right decision and act it out with perfection.
Naturally, the next thought is, why is that? If I make the wrong decision will life as I know it just end? I don’t think that would be the case. Will the world and everyone it in crumble around me, leaving me responsible for the destruction of the world? That seems a bit dramatic! Ah! I know…maybe I will be judged for the way I do things and I might have to deal with possible unwanted consequences of the decision I made. Hmm.. BINGO!
This realization led me to think how about how much of my life has been lived for the fear of judgment or rejection, and what this has brought into my life. And, all I can think of is how much I have missed out on up to this point. In hiding any way that I could I’ve missed out on many opportunities to share and grow from relationships with others. I’ve missed out on good times, beautiful sights, chances to improve my quality of life, and maybe even occasions where I could have helped someone else in need. But, most importantly I’ve missed out on getting to know myself. All because I was afraid that I had to be perfect before the world accepted me.
What is perfection anyway? I’m willing to bet if you asked 10 different people what their idea of perfection was you would get 10 different answers! So if “perfect” is different to everyone then it seems silly to attempt to achieve it for someone else right?
With this I make the decision to stop hiding! I refuse to argue with myself anymore! From now on I will do what feels right to me, and welcome any consequences those decisions may bring. I can learn what I even think perfect is, if it’s actually attainable, or even something I want. It may not be, and that’s OK. Along with creating many amazing life experiences, I will probably be judged and hurt along the way. But, instead of choosing to fear this, to remain stuck where I am, I choose to learn and grow from those experiences, or even realize that they may not be as big as they originally seemed.
Today I put perfect aside, and create a life worth living for me. Instead of a life lived in fear of not being good enough for you. I am coming out of my shell now and I am nowhere near perfect, and I may never be. But, I can gain a greater understanding of myself so that I can grow, and be free to live, love, learn, laugh, and hope with myself, other people, and animals on this beautiful planet that we are all blessed to be a part of.
Sometimes it can be easy to get overwhelmed with fear and uncertainty. There are times when the drama of day-to-day life leave me exhausted, and burnt out. So much so that I tend to lose sight of why I set out on the path I’m on in the first place.
Although, a reminder of where you come from, and how far you have traveled can reignite the passion for why you started in the first place, it can also leave you frustrated and lead you right into comforting arms of old habits. Even if you know these things have not produced great results in the past, It’s the comfort of the known that makes it so easy to get stuck.
But, somewhere inside there is a voice. It may be faint and at times hard to hear, but it’s always there. It’s the part of you that remembers why you came, and is trying to remind you how worth it it will be to keep going. Fear will try to speak louder than this voice. It will try to tell you it’s OK to spend just one day in your old comfort zone. But, before you know it you have lost sight of what you have set out to do, and more importantly why you set out to do it.
Lately, I have been having a hard time hearing over my fear. But, I can’t ignore the persistence of that tiny voice. No matter how far away it seems it’s still there constantly reminding me that We have all come here for something important. When you stop listening to this voice not only are you letting yourself down by not living up to your full potential, but you’re also letting down the world, and the people in it that could benefit from what you may have to offer.
That is where the motivation, and drive to push through the fear and start living outside your comfort zone will come from. Even though you may not see results instantly, if you can learn to ignore the fear and embrace the voice of your inner self you will get to experience the joy of accomplishing your goals and fulfilling a purpose.